Grief

Grief is defined as deep mental anguish; to be sorrowful.

Grief is a subject I've thought much about this week.  I've watched a lovely woman suffer the loss of a brother this week and it's brought back a flood of memories for me of the loss of my own brother. For those of you who don't know my brother Morgan was killed in 2004 while serving in Fallajuh, Iraq. He had joined the Marines right out of high school, went to Iraq in 2002 and was serving in his second deployment when he was killed. I can remember the day I received the call from my dad and then the next few weeks are a complete blur. I vaguely remember the memorial service in Indiana and the funeral that was held in Tennessee. At the time my grief was overwhelming.  I couldn't believe this had really happened and I couldn't understand what had gone wrong.  I recall thinking when Morgan left for this second tour that there was a real possibility that he wouldn't return. We were hearing everyday of men and woman being killed while serving and I knew that he was one of the men going in on the front lines. And yet a piece of me stilled didn't register that this could truly happen to someone in our family. But reality hit me hard on Nov. 12, 2004.

Even though it's been almost 7 years I still deal with the grief of that event day after day. In that time I have learned a great deal about grief  (at least about my grief).

Grief began as an unwelcome guest that burst through my front door with no warning and no chance to prepare. He ripped at everything around me trying to pull it down and shake the foundation of my life. For me this guest stayed for several weeks. But then I began to take control again and tried to set things in order.

Once he had lost his element of surprise Grief  morphed himself into a bully. He would show up at the most awkward moments mocking me with a word, a movie title, a magazine cover, or sometimes just a pack of M&M's (one of my brother's favorite treats)  that would make the feelings of loss and despair come rushing back and the tears and sobbing come pouring forth. Many times this was in front of a cashier, at a bible study, or at a gathering of friends. This was probably one of the most difficult times for me and I'm sure those around me. No one seemed to know what to say to me so they either acted as if nothing had changed, made an effort to be comforting usually saying just the wrong thing, or  simply avoided me all together.  I then would be hurt by those who were casual with me, offended by those who said the wrong thing (and I would be hard pressed to know what the right thing to say would have been), and angry with those who avoided me. This version of Grief often took turns with the next two versions so he was able to anchor himself in my life for much longer than I would have liked.

He was quick to change into a cave in which I hid. This variation allowed me to hide away, conceal myself from others, eat to numb the pain, and gave me plenty of excuse not to participate in life. During this period I looked for reasons not to spend time with my friends, I overlooked my duties as a wife and a mother doing only that which was necessary to get by and used food as a crutch. Like I said before Grief would change between the two and then after a few months threw in the third member of his party.

"The do everything thing you can to avoid feeling anything" side of Grief. At this point in my life I signed up for everything I could get involved in, ran my kids all over town, cooked and baked constantly, actually cleaned my house on a schedule, and had a fourth child. Though nothing I did was hurtful or destructive, it certainly provided me with an opportunity to escape any feeling of loss. I was just too busy or tired to deal with the reality.

These three faces of Grief worked through my life for several years. But now Grief has a new function. He is my friend. Someone I can prepare to visit with and even when I don't know he's coming he is a welcome guest. He gives me moments of pause to recall the life of my brother, remembering fond moments and thinking about what Morgan would have enjoyed about me and my family. He makes me to see in my kids the heart, soul, physical features and mannerism of a man they will never know but helps me share him with them. There moments that happen each day that I think Morgan would have enjoyed that, or Morgan would have thought that was funny. Many times tears are still involved but many times smiles as well.

What I have discovered most about Grief is that it is what we feel when those who we truly loved are removed from our lives. Though I wanted him to go away and leave me alone when he first appeared, now I want him here because it is Grief that helps you to remember the love.