The Nitty Gritty

Last night as a sat at my computer checking my e-mail a sudden scream comes from the bathroom, as I race up the stairs a dripping wet boy barely covered by a towel comes racing out into the kitchen. His screams turn into cries as he tells me about the mosquito that  is chasing him around the shower. WHAT! Of course at this point I am already on edge as it took a 20 minute argument to get him to take a shower and another 10 minutes of fighting over which bathroom he was to use. (We only have two, so if someone is in one it stands to reason you'll be using the other.) I walk into the bathroom to destroy this terrifying intruder, which I am unable to locate and send my son back in to finish what he started. 3 minutes later he emerges hair still dry and insisting that he's clean. hhhmmmm...

I'm not sure when it happened but at some point bathing became a point of contention between me and my two oldest boys. I think they should bath often, they feel like once or twice a month should be considered sufficient.

It use to be that this was their favorite part of the day. When they were little filling up the tub with warm water, bubbles and toys created an excitement unmatched by many of our other activities. If I didn't plan to give them a bath they would beg for one. As they got older nothing was more fun than getting in the shower and spraying water everywhere. And using the Daddy's shower was the coolest thing in the world. (That's our smaller bathroom with a shower stall.)

Now every couple of days I have to start the battle to get them in the shower. It always begins the same:
" B or C, you need to take a shower."
" I just took one."
"That was two days ago."
"I'm not dirty."
"You are and it doesn't matter, because I told you to take a shower. Now please do it."
"I don't have any soap"
"Let me get you some."
"Do I have to wash my body?"
"Yes"
"What about my hair?"
"Yes"
Sometimes there's an argument about which shower to use. Inevitably they always want to use the one that's already occupied. And then comes the fun part. As the child exits the bathroom within moments of going in and I notice their hair isn't even damp.
"Are you done?"
"yes."
"Did you wash your hair?"
"yes"
"Why isn't it wet?"
"It's short so it dries fast?"
"Really?"

Some nights I fight the battle to get them back into to wash their hair and some nights I just give up. It makes me wonder if I should look forward to when they are concerned about their personal hygiene but then I know that means GIRLS.

Fall Break

When you step out of the car after the 8 hour drive the smells of fall envelop you. Wafting through the air is the scent of the wood burning stove, the sweet musty fragrance of damp leaves float up from the woods, and all around is a breath of fresh air. You are quickly greeted by a dog somewhat unsure of the new arrivals but anxious to be petted all the same. In moments Grandpa is there to welcome you with a warm hug that leaves you warm and relaxed. His scent is a mix of the outdoors in which he spends most of his time, the wood burning stove he's probably just stoked, and Brut. He's quick to tell you how beautiful you look and always insists that you get more beautiful everytime he sees you.

As you walk in to my grandparents home you are instantly taken back by the heat of the wood stove. After a moments adjustment, Grandma comes to hug you and to offer you something to eat. Even if you told her not prepare anything, she almost always has a snack or meal ready. The house never seems to change much, maybe a new piece of furniture or new curtains, but for the most part the house has looked the same since you began visiting 30 years ago.

The visit goes much the same as always, sleeping in the cabin with a fire blazing through the night only to burn out so that you wake early to a frigid room,  an early trip out for breakfast on Saturday followed by  scouring the flea market for a hidden treasure, spending the day visiting with Grandpa in the garage or playing cards with Grandma at the kitchen table. You look forward to the visit from Aunt Teresa and clan for dinner, more card playing , trips to the local outlet mall that only has about five stores, and of course Wal-Mart (though you have one at home it's a requirement to make at least one visit while there). Early supper followed by a little TV and then it's time to head back to the cabin for another nights rest. Tomorrow will be much the same, there's no schedule down here, no place you have to be, just an opportunity to relax enjoy the comforts of the simple vacation.

These are the memories I have of most fall breaks since I was a child and I feel blessed that now I can share those same memories with my children.

It's a whole new challenge!

The one thing I always dreaded even before my first child was born was potty training. After years of working in nurseries, babysitting, and having younger siblings, cousins and nieces I knew that potty training was one of a parent's least favorite activities. And so when I was preparing for this event with my first child I wanted to get it right from the start. I wanted to be encouraging, positive, and efficient. Helping my daughter to accomplish this milestone as quickly and painlessly as possible. And so I read books, looked through various internet sites that offered advice, and discussed it with our pediatrician. (I probably should have consulted with my mother,she did manage to have 5 kids successfully potty-trained, but I wanted to be more modern.) And so after research was done,and my daughter indicated an interest with all the correct signs of readiness, we plunged into the realm of potty training.

Unfortunately it was not the quick, clean, success I had envisioned. What I didn't account for in all my research and consultations was the great variable PERSONALITY. My daughter and I suffer from a bull-headed stubborn personality syndrome causing potty training to be more of a battle of wills than a simple milestone to accomplish in the toddler years. We battled daily, washed a lot of clothes, cleaned up a lot of puddles, had a lot of crying (on both ends) but eventually she learned how to use the bathroom.

Now one would think that after a laborious and not so successful venture I would examine my methods before attempting this task again and yet with my second child I dove in with the same determination and list of tactics. Because of course I figured it was my daughters willful determination to control things that made the first venture a disaster, not a lack of proper plan. And though my second child was more agreeable the process was not any faster, easier, or was there less laundry. In fact since my daughter was still in the midst of things when my son started the whole thing was overwhelming. 

Finally when both were potty trained I took a deep breath and relaxed. But only for a moment because my third child was moving into this territory that I now dreaded with every fiber of my being. This time, however, I decided to take a new approach. I pretty much did nothing.  I did start when he was about 18 months old talking about the toilet and what it was for, setting him on it occasionally while preparing for a bath or getting dressed, but other than that I really didn't even suggest he needed to be potty trained. Then one day we went shopping he came across some Scooby-Doo underwear that he wanted and I agreed only if he could keep it dry. And guess what he did! By this time he was about 2 1/2 years old and once he put that underwear on he never looked back.

And so with my 4th I decided to attempt the same method as with the 3rd. Amazingly enough it worked again. I waited until she was almost 3 yrs making only a few suggestions and trying underwear occasionally, then a week before she turned 3 I handed her some underwear and said it's time to be a big girl. And she did great!

So now that I figure I know what I'm doing I actually looked forward to tackling the process with my 5th.  Being done with diapers and having the freedom of walking out of the house without having to pack a diaper bag or wonder if I brought enough diapers for our trip. And so the process began after he turned 2 I began discussing the bathroom, experimenting with having him spend short moments on the toilet, letting him wear underwear occasionally and a couple of months before he turned 3 I let him pick out some underwear at the store, handed them to him and said it's time to be a big boy. And Voila! he was potty-trained. Or so I thought.

Again what I failed to factor in was PERSONALITY. Unfortunately for me, he also suffers from the same bull-headed, stubborn personality syndrome that my eldest daughter and  I have.  So after a few weeks of successful bathroom trips he one day decided that it wasn't working for him. He began wetting his pants every time, fighting me each time I asked/suggested/told him to go to the bathroom and finally after 3 months I gave up and put him back in diapers. I then began to use different tools and techniques I had heard discussed. Rewards, stickers, praise etc. It soon became clear that it wasn't a lack of skill or know how it was simply a refusal to do what he was being asked. And so I took the reward/ discipline approach. If he kept his underwear dry he was rewarded if he did not he lost a privilege. And yet again another plan failed.

This week I decided to try a whole new approach. I told him that if he wanted to continue to wear diapers that would be fine, but he had to change them himself. So on Monday morning when it was time to get dressed I handed him a diaper and said go to it. After about 45 min he came out with his diaper, crooked but on. And we went through the same process every time a change was needed that day. On Tuesday we repeated this sequence. My hope was that he would get so tired of trying to put on his own diaper (I don't know if you've ever watched somebody try to diaper themselves, but it's not easy) he would eventually figure out that underwear was easier and more convenient. So after two days of this, on Wednesday morning as we were getting ready I asked him if he had told his dad what he was doing with his diapers. He looked at his dad and said "I can put on my own diaper, isn't that cool Dad?" My heart sank. He wasn't supposed to think it was cool. And so I said "I think Daddy would think it was cool if you wore underwear like him and kept it dry." My little one looked at me and said "That's not cool mom, that's just boring."

And so I sit here racking my brain as to what to do next. How will I ever get this boy potty-trained? My one hope is that he'll cave before kindergarten.

Grief

Grief is defined as deep mental anguish; to be sorrowful.

Grief is a subject I've thought much about this week.  I've watched a lovely woman suffer the loss of a brother this week and it's brought back a flood of memories for me of the loss of my own brother. For those of you who don't know my brother Morgan was killed in 2004 while serving in Fallajuh, Iraq. He had joined the Marines right out of high school, went to Iraq in 2002 and was serving in his second deployment when he was killed. I can remember the day I received the call from my dad and then the next few weeks are a complete blur. I vaguely remember the memorial service in Indiana and the funeral that was held in Tennessee. At the time my grief was overwhelming.  I couldn't believe this had really happened and I couldn't understand what had gone wrong.  I recall thinking when Morgan left for this second tour that there was a real possibility that he wouldn't return. We were hearing everyday of men and woman being killed while serving and I knew that he was one of the men going in on the front lines. And yet a piece of me stilled didn't register that this could truly happen to someone in our family. But reality hit me hard on Nov. 12, 2004.

Even though it's been almost 7 years I still deal with the grief of that event day after day. In that time I have learned a great deal about grief  (at least about my grief).

Grief began as an unwelcome guest that burst through my front door with no warning and no chance to prepare. He ripped at everything around me trying to pull it down and shake the foundation of my life. For me this guest stayed for several weeks. But then I began to take control again and tried to set things in order.

Once he had lost his element of surprise Grief  morphed himself into a bully. He would show up at the most awkward moments mocking me with a word, a movie title, a magazine cover, or sometimes just a pack of M&M's (one of my brother's favorite treats)  that would make the feelings of loss and despair come rushing back and the tears and sobbing come pouring forth. Many times this was in front of a cashier, at a bible study, or at a gathering of friends. This was probably one of the most difficult times for me and I'm sure those around me. No one seemed to know what to say to me so they either acted as if nothing had changed, made an effort to be comforting usually saying just the wrong thing, or  simply avoided me all together.  I then would be hurt by those who were casual with me, offended by those who said the wrong thing (and I would be hard pressed to know what the right thing to say would have been), and angry with those who avoided me. This version of Grief often took turns with the next two versions so he was able to anchor himself in my life for much longer than I would have liked.

He was quick to change into a cave in which I hid. This variation allowed me to hide away, conceal myself from others, eat to numb the pain, and gave me plenty of excuse not to participate in life. During this period I looked for reasons not to spend time with my friends, I overlooked my duties as a wife and a mother doing only that which was necessary to get by and used food as a crutch. Like I said before Grief would change between the two and then after a few months threw in the third member of his party.

"The do everything thing you can to avoid feeling anything" side of Grief. At this point in my life I signed up for everything I could get involved in, ran my kids all over town, cooked and baked constantly, actually cleaned my house on a schedule, and had a fourth child. Though nothing I did was hurtful or destructive, it certainly provided me with an opportunity to escape any feeling of loss. I was just too busy or tired to deal with the reality.

These three faces of Grief worked through my life for several years. But now Grief has a new function. He is my friend. Someone I can prepare to visit with and even when I don't know he's coming he is a welcome guest. He gives me moments of pause to recall the life of my brother, remembering fond moments and thinking about what Morgan would have enjoyed about me and my family. He makes me to see in my kids the heart, soul, physical features and mannerism of a man they will never know but helps me share him with them. There moments that happen each day that I think Morgan would have enjoyed that, or Morgan would have thought that was funny. Many times tears are still involved but many times smiles as well.

What I have discovered most about Grief is that it is what we feel when those who we truly loved are removed from our lives. Though I wanted him to go away and leave me alone when he first appeared, now I want him here because it is Grief that helps you to remember the love.

The Tattle-Tale

An always unwelcome guest in our home is the Tattle-tale. This guest seems to make more frequent appearances during the long hot summer when the children are forced to spend vast amounts of time together.  This summer has been no different.  I have become frustrated with repeated visits but recently I stopped to focus in on the motivation for this technique of trouble-making. And what I noticed is the difference in reasons that each child comes running to tattle on someone.

The first I call the "Informant". Her reasoning is "Mom needs to know everything." She is not intentionally trying to get anyone in trouble (though that is often the result), she is simply reporting each event as it is happening or immediately after it's occurrence. So I have to ask myself is this really a tattle-tale or simply providing of information. I decided the former due specifically to the high-pitched whining used when reporting the facts.

The second motivation I've noticed is "Sabotage." This child's whole purpose is to ruin whatever fun the other child(ren) are having. Maybe there's a grudge or maybe it's just for fun but usually the result is the same. The fun and games come to an end. What's interesting about this approach is the person typically has no concern for the fact that he/she will also end up feeling the punishment for being a tattle-tale.

Then there's the "You're not doing something I can't." This technique often doesn't come into play until the tattle-tale has already tried to participate in whatever the behavior is but failed for some reason and has now decided that no one is going to enjoy it. Often in this case the tattle-tale forgets to mention their previous participation in said event.

There's also the "Ego-centered" tattle-tale. This particular person is generally trying to make themselves look good while getting another child in trouble. For example "I'm cleaning my room like you said but (insert name) is playing his DS." I find this tattle-tale particularly annoying because if their in cleaning their rooms I'm probably already upset with them and really not in the mood. And chances are I don't care whose doing what I just want it done.

So next time your kids start in on the "MOOOOOOMMM!!!!! (Name) is ..........." Take a moment to figure which tale-tattle your kid is it might make the moment a bit amusing.

To my mom!!!!

Well I don't how it happened but it's been way too long since I've blogged.  (I guess I do know how. It's called the stomach virus, but you don't need those details.)

Today I have a special reason for blogging: MY MOM!
Here's my opportunity to thank my mother for how wonderful she is.  She has shaped my life in more ways than can be described and deserves so much more than a few words on a blog. 

To the woman who put up with me through childhood and teenage years.  And let me tell you I was not an easy kid to live with.  I fought her tooth and nail on every rule she set forth.  I pushed the limits with everything from skirt lengths to dating. And yet she loved me still. She stood firm and taught me the value of respecting myself, those around me, and those who are in authority over me. She taught me everything I would need to know about being a strong woman. How to stand up for myself, how to make it on my own, and how to value myself.  She taught me what I needed to know to be a good mom.  She taught me how to show love to my children so that it isn't just something I say. She taught me the value of discipline. I learned that while they are kids it's ok for them to dislike me because they will love me all the more when they are adults who understand how I protected and loved them no matter how much they hated my rules.  She taught me how to show compassion and tenderness when my kids need it and how to be firm when it's called for.

But most importantly my mom taught me that she loves me through it all and that she will always be my mother.  And I love her!!

Laundry and Weight loss

Like many moms pregnancy has changed the shape of my body, added several pounds and now I'm ready for a change. I have been working these last few months (well really I've been working for a couple of years, just with more intensity now) to lose that baby weight that has accumulated around my mid-section. It's been much slower than I had hoped and much to my dismay harder than I had anticipated. 

I've learned recently that losing weight has a lot in common with doing laundry for a large family.  In both cases if you are consistent, working each day you can stay on top of things and see progress.  It's not all going to get done at once but it isn't overwhelming.  Your laundry piles will get smaller just like your waistline will begin to shrink. But also like laundry taking a few days off can cause a pile up that puts you back several days or even weeks.  In some ways this discovery can be depressing.  What if you want to have a weekend off or a large piece of cake to celebrate a birthday does that mean all your hard work is for naught? It may seem like that but the reality is that if you have established a good routine/ good habits you can get back on track. It may not be where you wanted to be at that point but it doesn't have to stop you dead in your tracks.  Just get back in the game as soon as you can and before you know it you'll be seeing the bottoms of your laundry baskets and the numbers on your scale (or tape measure) go down.

So as I continue to wage war on dirty clothes and extra pounds I will work or consistency, establishing good routines and soon I'll reach my goal.